Elie's World

Inside My Head #4: Aching Rambles of a Heart

Tue, 24 Aug 2010 00:04:05 -0400

25 Feb 2010

The relationship between commitment and doubt is by no means an antagonistic one. Commitment is healthiest when it is not without doubt but in spite of doubt.

I feel like we are crawling uphill. We move forward one inch and slip back six.

I said not to call until he could figure out why he always lets me down, why he can never seem to keep a promise. He never called, I called out of habit. He says he just hasn’t been happy lately, but he can’t tell me why. I thought we were both happy, but I guess he’s been living a lie. I wish he knew what he wanted, and were as certain as I am.

This pain isn’t going to go away easily. I’m just so tired.

Inside My Head #5: hmph...

Tue, 27 Apr 2010 02:00:00 -0400

So, I haven’t kept up with this - at all. I think I have an idea to help me though. My mom gave me this book, Until Today!by Iyanla Vanzant and it has little inspirational bits o’ knowledge for every day of the year. Basically I’m thinking about just jotting down my thoughts on what Ms. Vanzant has to say to make my day better.

27 April 2010

**I don’t really like what she wrote for today. Mainly because I don’t agree with it, and I feel like being biased today so I’m improvising.

“I am willing to acknowledge…what I choose for myself is very important to me. My purpose for life is to celebrate my life and to do what brings me joy. Today I am devoted to the discovery of myself so that I can celebrate life and do all of the things which bring me joy.” She asks, what is it that you really want for yourself? I think I just want to know what it is I’ve been put on this earth for. What is the role that I’m suppose to fill? Am I just here to be another member of x number of people’s lives or to make an impact somewhere? If it’s mainly the latter, then how am I supposed to make said impact? Why do I have to be the one to do it? This is what I want for myself. Aside from the obvious and basic personal wants like; financial stability, sincere happiness, loyal friendship, and a true and loving relationship. I want to be able to die knowing the answers to my questions. I want to know why I was born, why I lived, and if my purpose was complete so I could be at peace with dying.

That, Ms. Vanzant, is what I really want for myself.

"I don’t know if this is the best of times or the worst of times, but I can assure you of this:..."

Tue, 27 Apr 2010 01:38:23 -0400

“I don’t know if this is the best of times or the worst of times, but I can assure you of this: This is the ONLY time you’ve got - you can either sit on your rear end or go out and pick a daisy.”

- Art Buchwald

Thu, 25 Feb 2010 15:16:19 -0500

Inside My Head #3: Noise

Sun, 21 Feb 2010 22:29:11 -0500

* Note: This might not make sense…I’m venting.

Okay, seriously?! Why does one household have to produce so much noise? I don’t see how it’s needed. Earlier I tried to watch the discovery channel and couldn’t hear no matter how loud I turned the volume. So, I gave up and went to the gym to let off steam. I felt better, but I had another disappointment on the way back and then everything started all over again when I got back home and tried to watch t.v. again.

I can’t find a quiet place to think, not think, read, sleep, do nothing…

Inside My Head #2: Hugging Lars

Fri, 19 Feb 2010 09:29:00 -0500

I’m watching this movie called Lars and the Real Girl. The main character is a loner and he orders an anatomically correct lifesize doll online. Throughout the whole movie he treats and speaks to the doll as if she is real.

At one point in the movie, Lars says hugs burn. He compares being hugged to the burning sensation you feel when your feet thaw out from being frozen outside.

I don’t really care for being hugged by people all the time, but my heart goes out to him.

Inside My Head #1: Friendships

Thu, 18 Feb 2010 00:27:00 -0500

Today I reunited with my best friend of 8 years. He kind of fell off his rocker, which is why I lost him, but he’s recently brushed off and jumped back on. He’s the kind of friend who is there for anything, anywhere, anytime - he’s the best. Basically, all the cliches you can think of to describe a friendship can be applied to ours.

It made my day when he called me this morning (added to the wonderful haircut I was getting). After we got past the whole I’m-sorry-you’re-sorry-let’s-never-stop-talking bit it was like we had never lost touch, and we seemed to pick up flawlessly right where we left off.

I was really affected by his diappearance from my life. He was my safety net for the tight rope we all had to walk in high school and my confidant when the tears couldn’t be tamed. I hate that he moved away to college, but I’m so proud of him for getting there and I’ll be damned if I’m not there for his graduation. Unless, of course, it’s when I’m graduating…

Basically, I missed him and whether he wants to hear it or not, I love him.